Memphis

On

After a short hiatus due to an extremely eventful couple of months I am settled and ready. 

We moved from Starkville at the end of May. Brad moved here at the beginning of May while Heinz and I stayed in Starkville to finish out the school year and to soak up Starkville as much as we could! We love being close to more of the Heinz family and our friends here |||but we miss sweet Starkville everyday. 

We miss our first home and the garage and such but our rental house here is suiting us just fine --- well me and Heinz. Brad was talking about buying, re-doing, this and that two days after we moved in! That man is a mover and a shaker -- and I love him for it! 

The Barksdale clan was so helpful on moving weekend. We could not have done it without them! Seriously. No. Way. 

On Sunday we all visiting Bass Pro Shop in the pyramid for the first time. It was fun and super nice. This non fisher/hunter/outdoors girl even found stuff! The picture above shows Heinz loving a tent. He wasn't walking at this point but boy he wanted to get in that tent!  So thankful for all of their help and that Nana and BB have already visited us again once and we have gone to Columbus once! 

Heinz and I have done a lot of hanging out at home getting this house to be our home! Coming along pretty great --- wouldn't you say H is comfortable here? Ha ha. We have been loving hanging out with friends and visiting Mimi and Kim at Curves! 

This is their version of "hugging"!!! 

After a few days of getting settled we went out for some fun! My friend Lauren invited us to go to the splash pad in Collierville. Her baby boy is a little older than Heinz and oh so cute. His name is Noah. Heinz wasn't sure about everything at first and was still not walking at this point but he had a blast! I can just see these boys growing up together and probably getting into some trouble together! Ha ha 

On June 8th we celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary! We celebrated by going to dinner at Babalu (one of our faves)! Love spending time with this man. It is so crazy how much we have changed and how much our lives have changed since the day we met! I love you Brad! 

This is how Babalu celebrated our 2 years! :-) 

I am so thankful for what these two years have brought to our little family and cannot wait to see what the future holds for us! 

These two boys are very best friends which is adorable. Mullen is a trooper because Heinz pushes the friend/bully boundary sometimes with his squeezes, grabs, and "hugs"! Ha ha. So thankful that Heinz has his first buddy. 

We love you, Heinz. 

Xoxo, 

Mama :-) 

"Failure" is a stepping stone..

Johnny says... "You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone." I never knew Johnny was so wise. 

July 11, 2015 

Heinz is asleep in his crib (that's a big deal in my world). Snoozing - that sweet love. He fell asleep while I was changing his diaper and his clothes. This baby boy is my heart and soul. 

He is such a sweet blessing to Brad and me. When he was born up until he was about 9 months old I struggled with serious anxiety about breastfeeding him. I wanted it and honestly was positive that it was going to be the most natural, calming, and perfect thing like it was for my Mama and for so many other women in my family. Well... It wasn't... And what a tough thing that was for me. And for others in my life. I took it extremely hard and blamed myself and held onto those feelings for WAY TOO LONG. 

I am still holding onto the fear of it happening to me again. Happening to my family again. Happening to Brad again. It was a nightmare for Brad (my words not his). I so badly wanted him to understand  exactly what I was feeling on the inside, but on the outside (especially to a man or to women who could care less about nursing her baby) it seemed like I was just being ungrateful. I had a job, a brand new house, a husband who loved me, family who loved me, clothes, food, a strong faith --- what else did I need? I needed to make myself (and my Mama, I felt -- but wasn't true) proud by exclusively breastfeeding my baby for a LONG time... and I didn't. In my heart and my eyes ||| I failed. To this day seeing/reading articles, statuses, pictures,etc stings. BAD. If I am being logical and not being emotional (okay...okay...that's rare, I know) then I know that I didn't fail. Heinz is healthy, happy, smart, and so incredibly loved. Here is a picture of him from just a while ago. 

So do I plan to breastfeed #2, #3, #4, #5 (ha JUST KIDDING Brad)? My answer is: HECK YES. I am going to try with all of my heart, mind, soul, and body. Does it scare me? HECK YES. But...I will not let myself turn into an anxious disaster and I will know that the alternative to breast milk is not poison. I will love my baby... all of my babies. I will remember that they (and Brad) need me healthy and happy -- not stressing, worrying, and almost not functioning all because of my feelings of "failure" with breastfeeding. 

Heinz is almost 16 months old and this is something that crosses my mind daily ||| honestly, probably more than once. We all fight battles; sometimes against others... But sometimes we fight ourselves. That is exactly what I was doing and I am happy, relieved, and proud to say that I am done fighting. Was I brave enough at first? No. Did I stop the fight when I finally gave up the one ounce 20 minute pumping sessions multiple times a day? No. I beat myself up (and those around me really) for far too long. It has been a gradual release, but it's here.  It helped when Heinz turned one and I could quit buying what I felt at the time was "poison" -- the Wal-Mart brand formula. (There is honestly no judgement coming from me. Formula. Cereal. Breastmilk -- whatever works for you mama. I just had expectations for me and they didn't turn out the way I wanted). I was able to buy whole milk. I got rid of those blasted bottles that I spent many hours a week cleaning, drying, and filling with a liquid that I hated. Those bottles reminded me on a daily basis that I was a mother who failed at breastfeeding her baby. I was free from those constant reminders now.  Heinz loved a sippy cup and whole milk. He was old enough. I didn't have to worry about feeding Heinz in public and worrying if other moms were judging me and thinking -- "Ohhh, so sad. She doesn't want to even nurse her baby." I would honestly sometimes look at strangers and want to scream... "I tried!!! I tried!!!" Poor people. They probably just thought Heinz was cute or that I should maybe shower or something ha ha ha yet I was planning my public pronunciation of my fight against myself in my head. Can we say CRAY CRAY?? I  never in a million years thought I would fight this battle against myself, but I did ||| and for a while I was losing. This battle is over. I won. 

So this Johnny I speak of... 

"You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space ." - Johnny Cash 

In my eyes, I failed. In reality, I didn't. That door is closed. The mistake I made was letting it have my energy, my time, and my space. 

Xoxo, 

Liz :-)